I’m acknowledging various things. I pride myself on having done quite well at acknowledging my own weaknesses, but the scope has widened and become more stable. For example, until now, I was very embarrassed when I heard certain feedback or when I felt my inner desires were exposed. Actually, this has caused unintended misunderstandings. Like when the other person thought I was angry when they gave such feedback.

Becoming stable means I’ve started to observe dispassionately. I think I was trying too hard to suppress natural emotions as a human being. The problem isn’t the emotion itself, but the method of controlling that emotion, and obviously, just suppressing it blindly doesn’t help much either.

The biggest change among these is regarding the desire for recognition. I’ve known that the desire for recognition shakes me since about 10 years ago, so I tried to take a cool attitude as much as possible. But it was a half-baked solution, and there were quite a lot of times when the strategy of simply passing it off coolly and using it as my growth engine didn’t work.

I could get a clear answer when I looked deeper. In the end, it seems that when I want to be recognized by “someone,” that is, when I start placing a specific person as the target of recognition, things fundamentally start to squeak. But I think being in a company inevitably puts someone else as the target of recognition. Recently, I reached the conclusion that I want to do my own work without looking for another company as much as possible, and this seems to be one of several reasons.

In the end, I’ll be evaluated by someone and it’s clear that it will be colder, but I also have expectations that it will be clearer and without bias.